Look, it's like so atractive, it has that "something" and I don't know what it is; for some reason I always go back to it, it makes me feel alive in a strange way. It reminds how I used to be wonderfully alive and how miserable I think I am now. Even inspires me to reach the very bottom of me but at some point it kills me from inside out. It's so colorful, painful and deeply holdable, I hate it but I know it's already a part of me, I guess I'm meant to live like this...
It doesn't get what it takes, it's all blurry and it doesn't make me feel ok. It motivates me to lock myself and keep watching this record over and over again. It's what makes me pull my clothes when I see it, when I get drastically weak with a huge lack of air.
The biggest lie.
Everybody says that everything in the past is better, I disagree; it makes you feel alive but it kills you slowly, like a cancer, it destroys you inside out indeed. It makes you blind and ugh it's so addictive, you can't deny but let me tell you that if you don't decide moving from that place, don't expect being personally, emotionally and sentimentally succesfull.
It's never easy, is a long cycle, is like giving up on drugs, but "past abstinence" seems nice to me.
If my best guy would see me in this condition, he would say that maybe it's not good and why I keep replaying the same record? And at some point he would understand me because he had been here in THOSE times before. But my best guy is not here, and we haven't been able to talk each other since he's reaching his most beloved dreams and I love and support him as far as I live, he's my best friend, even if someday I get married with my future lovestory best friend, he will be the very first one.
I don't know if it is worst missing someone most of the time and at in a very bottom part of me wishing being with him or project on someones who has the same features.
At some point I know I'm over this situation but I used to be so attached to it so bad that it just became a part of me, and even if I don't live it I keep believing as a realistic circumsctance; no matter where I am. I can be from here to Southafrica and if something reminds me of that, something in my head turn itself as a last memory that's part of all of me. So as far as I keep projecting something that doesn't exist I will keep being in this condition.
That's not cool because I cannot imagine myself in another way.
domingo, 13 de mayo de 2012
You know all my childhood I've spent it falling in love with handsome guys who would never lay their eyes on me, time passed by and those guys started to get a little bit mean, saying things that would rip my confidence apart. Most of my teenage I've spent it falling in love with cute guys with good manners, but this time destiny and low self-steem didn't let me make a move at all, I had my first broken heart at that age even though I didn't date anybody, but I knew how it feels not being able to breath normally or being happy to wake up every morning but hey I moved on and looking my past from here, it made a stronger person with a stronger confidence, being able to know who I am. Now, today have been three days since I've turned 21, and in spite of all I've been through I have learned to handle my self alone and I'm not saying that I won't give my heart to anybody but knowing that it's an amazing age to spend my singleness to its full and I'm loving it!!! I feel flattered when people flirt with me but sincerely I don't need it to death to feel myself worthy because it doesn't determinate if I'm pretty or not. Anyway, as far as I know there's thousands guys who worths going out with but I'm fine like this; and I believe that it will come a day when I officialy will fall for somebody and that person would be everything I've always expected since I had crush on boys. I'm glad for being like this and I believe that when I will stand down the aisle all the broken hearted times, tears and regrets won't matter anymore because I will know that I had to get through all that bad things to be who I am. I'm worthy because God loves me and I'm beautiful to His eyes, I don't need a human to tell me so because I find my identity in Christ. Hope y'all can enjoy being single as I'm doing! Xxxxx
"Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise.
Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light." Micah 7.8
Natalia. UBA freshman. Filmmaker-to-be. Musical theatre student. Fan of life. 22. Old-school girl.